


Purgatory

by stay_inside_the_salt_ring



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Purgatory, Tumblr, Tumblr writing, benny - Freeform, castiel - Freeform, didnt-survive-twist-and-shout, my writing, writing prompts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-13 16:11:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20585315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stay_inside_the_salt_ring/pseuds/stay_inside_the_salt_ring
Summary: Comment and leave kudos please





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and leave kudos please

Benny has thought the angel was a woman. With how Dean said the name, he thought Castiel was a woman. How he prayed, how he forced himself through purgatory, how he killed everything that came in his way. In purgatory, nothing mattered. There were no rules and there was no one to keep the monsters in control. And almost every one of them in there needed blood. So of course Dean always got his fill on killing, which meant Benny had the privilege of seeing the pure anger and hatred and cruelty on his face. So he didn’t know what to do when Dean started praying out loud, his face visibly softening as he spoke the angels name. It started more or less the same every night:

“Cas…I need you.”

And Benny has never pegged Dean as…someone to go after more than women.

So when they saw a man kneeling over the water, his face downward and his shoulders hunched in pain, Benny never thought it could be the angel. Maybe another monster, but not an angel. It took his mind a moment to catch up when the man looked their way and the words “Cas,” slipped roughly from Deans throat. How the story was told, how Dean told it, was not like it happened. Benny has heard Dean tell it once, and had shaken his head. Because the hunter had jerked forward, pulling the man angel into his arms, his face buried in the angels clothes. The words “Cas” being pulled again from his body.

He again found himself at a loss for words when, later that night, the grey of the land turning to black, Dean let the angel pull him against his body. Dean didn’t tense, or pull away, or laugh it off. He just curled closer, his fingers tightening, biting into Cas’ flesh, breathing deeply. He didn’t know what to say, or do, when Dean whispered “I thought I’d lost you for good” under his breath to the angel. And when the angel whispered back “I’m here. I’m always here” while pulling the hunter firmer against him, Benny decided to ignore it fully. He turned away, looking into the blankness that was purgatory.

And, when he found himself being pulled back into consciousness by his body’s alertness to the black becoming grey again, he tried his best to ignore that Dean was not so much as against the angel as a part of him. He was so close, some of the angels shirt rucked up and Deans fingers digging into the dark tanned flesh there even in his sleep, it was like he was a part of Cas. He pretended not to see the angels confused look at him. He had gotten close to Dean over the time looking for the angel, but he had never felt Deans fingers dig into his flesh like he never wanted to let go. He hadn’t felt the hunter press his face into the skin of his shoulder. He hadn’t felt the hunter relax against him fully, and become vulnerable.

But he did with Cas. He relaxed, he dug his fingers into Cas’ skin at his hip, he pressed his face into the crook of the angels neck, he breathed so deep it was like he was breathing fresh air. Dean was…different…with Cas. He let himself be vulnerable.

So Benny pretend not to see.

He didn’t see it at all.


	2. Part Two

It was different when they got out out of there. Cas didn’t make it and…well, Dean was different. Benny wasn’t around much, but when he was, he could see it. 

The pain, the guilt, the need. 

And Benny only brought him up once, asking how Dean was when he’d had a chance to play catch up with the hunter.

The hunter had stared at Benny for a while, his eyes like stone and ice, before he answered.

“You ever bring him up again, I’ll send you back there.”

And part of Benny knew what part of the threat was real. Of course, Dean would never send him back to Purgatory, but he would do anything he could to make Benny regret it. 

So he didn’t bring it up again. 

The next time he saw Dean, his eyes were hallow. Empty. He could smell the despair and guilt and shame coming off of him in waves. But still, he didn’t say anything.

The time after that, it was all Benny could do to not tell Dean to leave. Because every monster within a hundred miles would be able to see how dark his soul was. To smell the pain. The see the suffering. But of course, no words came when Dean was readying himself for the hunt. 

He never said anything. About the pain, or the guilt, or the way Dean’s soul seemed to have darkened since they got back. He never said how, he too, saw Castiel sometimes. It was just as much his fault the angel didn’t get through.

But he never said a thing.

He just watched in silence as Dean’s soul slowly became pitch black.


	3. Part Three

If you ever asked Benny why he decided to trust Dean Winchester, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. Of course, he knew the first time he saw Dean he was an asset. He was human, and Benny needed him. More than he so thought. Because the first time a hunt for food in Purgatory went wrong, Dean let Benny feed from him.

And Benny had. With no remorse. And even in the human world again, he felt nothing thinking back to the times Benny had fed from Dean. Dean, of course, had never told anyone. And once the angel arrived, once they found him, Dean stopped it. There were so many nights Benny went hungry because Dean, being a human, being guarded by a literal angel, needed to eat. There was only one time that Dean came to Benny when Cas was away, forcing Benny to feed while the angel couldn’t see. 

It was then that Benny figured it out. Dean didn’t feel pure when he let Benny feed from him. And when it crossed his mind, Benny had pulled his mouth away from Dean’s wrist, pushing away the hunger twisting in his stomach painfully at the sight of Dean’s blood running into the dirt. 

He felt like he had swallowed bile, then. Dean hadn’t cared before the angel arrived. Dean had let him feed, and let him eat, and he hadn’t judged Benny. But now…now that the angel’s prying eyes were constantly on Dean, Benny knew. 

Dean never wanted to feel pure when he was around Benny. He wanted to feel wrong and guilty and hateful. Because that’s what Benny was.

Benny was a vamp. A disgusting creature that had to feed on blood to survive. He wasn’t human. He wasn’t angel. So he wasn’t anything near pure. 

And it hurt. It hurt so bad to have Dean think of him that way. To know Dean thought of him as just a way to get both himself and the angel out of this place. And if he needed to help Benny along the way so be it. 

He never said a thing after that about feeding. He’d lie, of course, and say he fed when he really hadn’t. He’d go weeks - even months - getting so damn hungry, thirsty, he killed everything in sight for their blood. 

He’d even stooped down, once, so low as to try a Leviathan’s blood. He’d ended up throwing up, afterwards, dry heaving until he thought maybe this was how he’d die here. 

But he didn’t. 

After a couple times, he found, he could take a bit without feeling like he was going to die. 

He took animals blood, sometimes, when the angel or Dean wasn’t looking.

But every time - every single one - he felt so degraded, so left out, so hopeless and hurt. 

So, he eventually stopped trying to feed altogether.


	4. Part Four

When Benny first got back to the human world, he fed.

And not just fed, but he damn near made a massacre. Of course, it wasn’t in humans. No, it was in every monster he ran in to, whether good or bad. He just fed. Because not feeding for weeks on end, nearing months, had him starving.

But it wasn’t just food he was starving for. It was everything. 

He wanted to not feel disgusted every time he fed. He wanted to remind himself he was a vamp. He had confidence in what he did. No one could take that away. But it _had_ been taken away. 

It had been ripped from him.

It took him a month to stop feeding everyday.

It took him two to keep his blood limit to every other day. 

He was still hungry - whether for blood or not. He wanted to hunt. He wanted to rip and kill and force himself into it. But he couldn’t.

He wasn’t in purgatory anymore. And Dean wasn’t there to stop him when he got to out of control. No, Dean was with the angel.

The angel who had caused all of this. And Benny hated himself.

Because no matter how much he disliked the angel, he couldn’t hate him. Because he’d saved Dean, and Benny couldn’t hate someone who saved Dean.

So, instead of hunting, Benny threw himself into the midst of finding his family. 

His great granddaughter. 

Elizabeth.


	5. Part Five

Benny didn’t expect the hunter to show up. He didn’t expect his breath to catch and the blood on his hands to feel so much like fire. He didn’t expect to see that burning look go through him like he wasn’t a fucking vampire that could rip through the hunter. 

He didn’t expect Dean’s younger brother. He didn’t expect to hunt with Dean. He didn’t expect to be followed - to have the dead hunters blood on his hands, and to be blamed. He didn’t expect Dean would actually think that perhaps Benny was better off in purgatory anyways. 

He didn’t expect any of that happened - but he supposed it’s what he had earned. He wasn’t supposed to stay in contact with the hunter after they got out. He wasn’t suppose to try and comfort him when shit went wrong with the angel. He wasn’t suppose to be the drunk call when the hunter was so far gone for his angel. 

He wasn’t suppose to be any of it.

But he was.

And it was so much worse - because no matter how much he was of all that, he was regret. Because every time the hunter called him, or answered his calls, or begged him, it always ended in silence - it always ended in Dean murmuring ‘this was a bad idea’ before hanging up.

Benny was regret. 

He was something the hunter could crawl too when his angel wasn’t around. He was something that Dean could talk to when he didn’t have his angel to mess around with.

Benny was disposable.

There were so many things that were _wrong_ and _bad_ _ideas_ and _regrettable_.

But Benny still listened. He still answered. He still let the hunter through. Because no matter what - vampire still had god damned feelings. 


End file.
